The Consultant Rap

I first delivered the "Consultant Rap" in person at an NSPI conference in Toronto. Several people have requested it since, so here it is:

Well I think I'm gonna tell you what it’s like to be
a performance and management consultant like me.
Well you travel in airplanes all around.
Yeah, you’re flying so much you barely touch the ground.
Then you’re running for meetings and you get there late,
but the clients they just make you sit and wait, wait, wait.
Then you finally go in so you can meet with them,
and by the time you’re done you’re running for a valium

Because they’re clients…they’re clients,
and if you don’t know what that means, I’ll be telling you now.

Because they come in and they tell you everything has changed
since you met with them the last time, and you wanna say, “That’s strange.
When we met the last time, you seemed so sure of it all.
You should have let me know. You should have given me a call.
So I wouldn’t have had to finish all this time-consuming work
and come into this meeting looking like a real jerk.”
But what you really say is, “Oh please, tell me more,”
While you’re feeling like a wimp, you’re feeling like a real whore.

And then they say…the clients say
that the new VP, he wants to change it all around.

So you go back to your Mac, but you’ve had enough, Jack.
You want to hang it up, you want to just lay back.
Then you remember that it’s time to meet with all your friends
and go out and party when the meeting ends.
Then suddenly the whole thing doesn’t seem so bad
when you think of all the rockin’ good times you’ve had
going here and there and stopping off for a beer
and having lots of people to exchange good cheer.

And then you say…you wanna say
that being a consultant isn’t such a bad way.